already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
