There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
