happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
