is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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