A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
