we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he was CRYING into my vagina
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
