I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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