Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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