i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
