wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
