soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
