Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
