I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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