dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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