if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
