Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
there is glitter all over my balls
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
