new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
