so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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