Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
