meet me or not, i'm out of control
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
