i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
