I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
