It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
