My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
