So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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