Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
