For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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