In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
