If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
soo... how was my night?
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