I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
