Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
