I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
