By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
