I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
