I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
it glows. i had to have it.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
