my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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