Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
