I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
