I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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