in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
