she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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