Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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