i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
