He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
