Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
