Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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