When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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