i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
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