Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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