my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
