In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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