Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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